“Can I talk to you?”
~★~ “Course you can. What’s up?”
“First off…” His posture straightened. “Don’t make this hard. Believe me when I say this is harder for me that you could imagine.” Reaching in his pocket, Kao pulled out a set of keys. There was a small surfboard on the key chain. The man placed the keys in Kolikura’s hand. “I’m giving my home to you. As a wedding gift. It’s all I have so it will have to do. It’s on the beach, so I could only hope you’d like it. I mean, it was built basically for you, so…” Wrapping the smaller male’s fingers around the metal, he sighed. This was so much more difficult than he thought. “I’m leaving, again… For good. And I won’t ever be coming back. You can’t know where I’m going. But it’s place better than here…” He smiled. “I love you… And because I love you, I wish happiness for you and your husband.” Akaou’s smile struggled to stay. “You’ll be a wonderful husband.” His hands left Kolikura’s, and he left the boy standing by himself.
“I’m trying this one more damn time. If it happens again, I’m breaking my board.”
“After everything maybe what I need is pain…” He didn’t look at Koli when he spoke. He hadn’t this whole time. “Hearing that you waited for me doesn’t make me feel all too great, either…” Kao didn’t mean that harshly, and he even said it in a soft tone. “I don’t know if you really get it or not, but you were the love of my life. I thought Matt was, but I found out I was wrong. It was you all along. And of course, as per my usual fuck ups, I left you standing at the altar.” Just saying it out loud still made him feel like shit. “I just can’t come back from that. And believe me, it makes me feel a little less of a complete fucker that we can still kinda be friends, but I know what I did and it knocks me in the face every time I realize it when I wake up.” He thought about this more than the other probably realized. Akaou dwelled on things like this for at the least, years. “And I still can’t even bring myself to tell you sorry, because of my fucking piece of shit pride.” Look at that, the rollie in his hand already more than halfway sucked down. Kao pulled out another to be ready. “What the fuck did you ever see in me.”
~★~ The merman sat silently and listened with his pointed ears while Kao practically spilled his guts. He’d be a liar if he tried to say none of that moved him, but Kolikura was quick to swallow down any remnants of feeling that tried to spring forth in him. “I’ll confess after a while I was beginning to think I meant nothing to you at all, Akaou.” He leaned forward hunching over slightly. “I won’t lie..heck I can’t even lie it fucking stung. It hurt more than anything, but after I while I just accepted it. For the longest time and even some days now I would wake up and you’d be there in my thoughts at least a couple times. I think you’ll always be there because even with all the baggage that you can bring along I loved you. I loved you more than anything in this world and I’ll always have some love for you. I’m just happy we can work on being friends..that’s better than nothing.” He chuckled a bit. “Matt’s not so bad either..he told me how he used to want to beat the shit out of me which I thought was pretty funny.” He didn’t bother looking at him. It would have just been a wasted effort. “I ask myself that often. I can’t say for sure..guess I just have a thing for broken guys. I just saw the good in you. You know, the good you don’t seem to think you have.”
“Better than nothing…” He repeated the words to himself. Saying it over and over might even be enough to convince himself that. “Kolikura… There isn’t any good in me. What little I might of had left when you left.” His forearm rested over his eyes. Koli can’t see him like this. “I guess I’m looking at this too pessimistically, but what else can I do. The only optimistic points I have in life are that face I have a house I don’t have to leave and drugs and alcohol. Food too but when you can’t cook that gets sad too.” He sighed, snuffing out the cherry on his current roach and lighting the new doob he had. “I’ve never done a good thing, and I damn sure never know best. All I do is party and sleep. And actually I haven’t been sexually attracted to anyone or even though about anyone that way since you so you can have that honored aspect.” He tried to laugh but couldn’t get it out. It sounded more like a cough. “And I gave up surfing.”
~★~ And he thought Shou was bad when he got into a mood like this. Everything that the Hawaiian said was like knife in the gut to him. Being a merman isn’t all about the flashy tail and powers. You’re hopelessly sensitive to the feelings of the people around you and it fucking sucked in the end. “Okay maybe you don’t..but that doesn’t mean you can’t make some.” He reached up and swatted a tear away not in the mood to cry. Not again. “I don’t want any honored aspect I just want you to go out and be happy..carefree and all that shit. Live life..” Kolikura nearly flinched hearing how Kao dropped surfing. “You shouldn’t have.”
Kao rubbed his eyes. “Happy is far too hard to be.” He sighed, taking a long puff and attempting smoke circles. “No, I should’ve. And I did. For a reason you wouldn’t even believe if I told you.” Akaou slumped down further, eyeing the lake now. “Every time I looked down in the water, I thought I saw you. So I’d jump in and then you’d be gone. And then I’d think I saw you around a reef but it wasn’t you. Fuck. There was no way you were in Fiji, or at the Great Barrier Reef. But I kept seeing you. So I had to stop surfing because… Because water makes me think of you.” Again he sighed, and now he looked at Kolikura. “But don’t think I blame you because I don’t. It’s my own fault.”
“What are you doing?”Awkward boner.
“What does it look like I’m doing?”
“Fapping and moaning my name.”
(Source: silencingspirit)
He pouted before grabbing his face with his hands and giving him a quick kiss. “Chu.~ Masa likes Kao even if he taste icky.”
Oh god. “Well Masa shouldn’t like Kao no matter what, because Kao will do bad things to Masa.” His chin resting on the small boy’s shoulder. “Masa is too small for bad things.”
Whines before pouting as he hugs Kao. “But Masa no small! Masa big!” he insisted, feeling his face turn red. “Masa feels weird.”
“Masa is small, and Masa is drunk.” He hugged the boy back just so he wouldn’t go limp. “Masaaki you should go lay down.”
(via silencingspirit)
BET YOU CAN’T TURN HIM GAY.
I DON’T THINK I WANNA TURN HIM GAY. LOVE ME.
HDKHJSKHJDKJSHDKS CAREFUL, HE’S A WOMANIZER.
WHY WOMANIZE WHEN YOU CAN GET THIS 24/7?!
(Source: silencingspirit, via silencingspirit)
“After, well, us… I decided I might as well fuckin’ give up. If I can’t even get my shit together for the merman I wanted to marry then obviously commitment isn’t for me.” He dug in his pocket, pulling out a black flask and taking a long drink. It only took moments to smell the alcohol. It didn’t seem like enough. Kao pulled a joint from his pocket and lit it quickly. Nothing ever seemed to be quick enough for him. “Sorry. I know you hate this.” But he would have to deal.
~★~ Wow, you know he was expecting to have this conversation at some point but he started believing it would never happen. Setting the stone he’d picked up back down Kolikura burrowed his hands into the sand. “That’s a rotten way to think of things. Just because you can’t commit to marriage doesn’t mean you should give up on relationships all together..” The smell was distasteful to him but he didn’t care. “It’s alright we all have our vices. Tho I thought you should know for some time after our split I’d hoped you’d come to your senses, but as we know that didn’t happen. Don’t be so hard on yourself its so painful.”
“After everything maybe what I need is pain…” He didn’t look at Koli when he spoke. He hadn’t this whole time. “Hearing that you waited for me doesn’t make me feel all too great, either…” Kao didn’t mean that harshly, and he even said it in a soft tone. “I don’t know if you really get it or not, but you were the love of my life. I thought Matt was, but I found out I was wrong. It was you all along. And of course, as per my usual fuck ups, I left you standing at the altar.” Just saying it out loud still made him feel like shit. “I just can’t come back from that. And believe me, it makes me feel a little less of a complete fucker that we can still kinda be friends, but I know what I did and it knocks me in the face every time I realize it when I wake up.” He thought about this more than the other probably realized. Akaou dwelled on things like this for at the least, years. “And I still can’t even bring myself to tell you sorry, because of my fucking piece of shit pride.” Look at that, the rollie in his hand already more than halfway sucked down. Kao pulled out another to be ready. “What the fuck did you ever see in me.”
~★~ The merman sat silently and listened with his pointed ears while Kao practically spilled his guts. He’d be a liar if he tried to say none of that moved him, but Kolikura was quick to swallow down any remnants of feeling that tried to spring forth in him. “I’ll confess after a while I was beginning to think I meant nothing to you at all, Akaou.” He leaned forward hunching over slightly. “I won’t lie..heck I can’t even lie it fucking stung. It hurt more than anything, but after I while I just accepted it. For the longest time and even some days now I would wake up and you’d be there in my thoughts at least a couple times. I think you’ll always be there because even with all the baggage that you can bring along I loved you. I loved you more than anything in this world and I’ll always have some love for you. I’m just happy we can work on being friends..that’s better than nothing.” He chuckled a bit. “Matt’s not so bad either..he told me how he used to want to beat the shit out of me which I thought was pretty funny.” He didn’t bother looking at him. It would have just been a wasted effort. “I ask myself that often. I can’t say for sure..guess I just have a thing for broken guys. I just saw the good in you. You know, the good you don’t seem to think you have.”
“Better than nothing…” He repeated the words to himself. Saying it over and over might even be enough to convince himself that. “Kolikura… There isn’t any good in me. What little I might of had left when you left.” His forearm rested over his eyes. Koli can’t see him like this. “I guess I’m looking at this too pessimistically, but what else can I do. The only optimistic points I have in life are that face I have a house I don’t have to leave and drugs and alcohol. Food too but when you can’t cook that gets sad too.” He sighed, snuffing out the cherry on his current roach and lighting the new doob he had. “I’ve never done a good thing, and I damn sure never know best. All I do is party and sleep. And actually I haven’t been sexually attracted to anyone or even though about anyone that way since you so you can have that honored aspect.” He tried to laugh but couldn’t get it out. It sounded more like a cough. “And I gave up surfing.”
I DON’T THINK I WANNA TURN HIM GAY. LOVE ME.
(Source: silencingspirit)
“Welp. I tried. Oh well.”
Masaki waddles over and sits in his lap.
“Want some?” Kao held the bottle to his lips, tipping it back to give him a little sip. You don’t give children vodka asswipe.
Masa stuck his tongue out, coughing slightly. “Icky, Kao!”
“Give it about twelve years and it won’t be so icky.” Kao took another large gulp, before wiping his lips and leaning over Masaaki. “Guess you can’t kiss me because my lips’ll taste icky.” He grinned.
He pouted before grabbing his face with his hands and giving him a quick kiss. “Chu.~ Masa likes Kao even if he taste icky.”
Oh god. “Well Masa shouldn’t like Kao no matter what, because Kao will do bad things to Masa.” His chin resting on the small boy’s shoulder. “Masa is too small for bad things.”
(via silencingspirit)
